"Before He formed us in the womb, He knew us."

   

  
    In the winter of 1964 a young unmarried 18 year old girl found out she was pregnant.  Originally from the hills of Kentucky, this young girl came from a hard working but impoverished family on the east side of Indianapolis.  Her family life wasn't ideal and she had already given birth to her first child at barely 17 years old.  The man she had been sleeping with this time was a 44 year old married man who happened to be the landlord who owned the home where the girl lived with her parents, four siblings and her 1 year old son.  He had started pursuing her shortly after she had her first child.  Needless to say, being pregnant again was not good news.  The birth father was a prominent Jewish businessman in the area.  In addition to being her families’ landlord and owning multiple properties in her neighborhood, he also owned a used car lot where the girl’s dad would work whenever her dad was in between jobs.  Both of her parents struggled with alcoholism and it affected his ability to hold a job.  Her dad's ability to work at the car lot on occasion was critical to their families survival.  

    Now, this was in an era where child support laws were just about nonexistent and DNA testing to prove paternity hadn’t even been developed yet.  The girl didn’t want her parents to find out about this pregnancy and she was even more concerned about what her father would do if he found out who the baby's father was.  Fearful and not knowing where to turn, the young girl approached her landlord (The birth father) informing him that she was pregnant and letting him know that he was the only person she was sleeping with.  He immediately scheduled her for an appointment with a doctor he knew and paid all the fees up front.  The appointment was after “normal hours” and she was initially told that she was there for a simple checkup/physical and a pregnancy test.  This took place a full 8 years before Roe vs. Wade was decided.  Although abortion was not legal at that time, and not talked about, it still took place.  Most people in that era viewed abortion as unethical; however, it still happened due to the huge social stigma attached to having a child out of wedlock.  In her case, the social and financial repercussions of having a second child were almost overwhelming.     

    She was dropped off at the doctor’s office that evening by her landlord.  While at the office she had a long talk with the doctor.  During her conversation with the doctor, despite the fear and uncertainty she felt, she made the choice to walk out of the office and not have the “procedure”. She felt a strong tug on her heart to carry the child within her to full term despite knowing the implications of that decision.  I completely believe that God guided her decision that evening.  She went back home late that evening and concealed her pregnancy from her parents for the entire term by wearing loose clothing.  The child was eventually born in her bedroom in May of 1965.  Even after she delivered the 8lb 11 oz. baby boy-- she refused to tell her parents who the father was because of fear of the negative implications that revelation could have led to.  Her delivery was quick and the child was born within a few hours.  He was named “Kevin” by his birth mother.  Upon seeing the blood soaked sheets on her bed and hearing the crying of the unexpected arrival --her parent’s immediately called for an ambulance.  The girl and her new baby boy were taken to the local hospital.  At the hospital, the baby was quickly whisked away to be checked out and he then given up for adoption by the family. 

    “Kevin” was in the foster system for the first four months of his life.  His adoptive parents got custody of him from Marion County Child Welfare through their foster to adopt program.  His adoptive mother had previously had two miscarriages and she and her husband had unsuccessfully been trying to have a child for years.  The couple had previously applied to become adoptive parents and when they were notified that a four month old baby boy was available for adoption, she was overjoyed as she desperately wanted a child.  They got custody of the baby boy and they immediately named their new son “Brian”.  His adoption was eventually finalized at 18 months old.  Two years later; they adopted their second child--a little girl they named Andrea.   

    The baby boy in this story is me.  I was adopted into a home with a Christian mother and I knew I was adopted for as long as I can remember.  It was never a secret with my family.  Although growing up I dealt with some of the feelings of rejection that are common among adopted children, I never wondered whether my mom loved me.  She was always so joyful as a mom (and now a grandmother), and it showed.  She poured her life into motherhood.  My mom, Mary Anne Wignall, always raised me knowing that God had a purpose for my life and that he brought me into her family.  My maternal grandparents, Bob and Evelyn Logan, loved me as well and also instilled in me the truth that God loved me and had a plan for my life.  I grew up knowing from a young age that God’s hand was on my life and always believed he was their for me whenever I called.  Through different hardships growing up, (including my parents divorce and later my grandfather's passing), I always knew God was there for me and that he cared for me. 

    At age 38, I got to meet my birth mother for the first time.  Ever since I was a teenager I wanted to meet her some day and thank her for making the hard decision to not have me aborted.  I also wanted to share with her about my personal relationship with Jesus and about all the times that God had made himself known to me over the years.  I was able to share those things with her, and she shared with me that I had an older brother, Tony.  I always wanted a big brother growing up and I was excited to find out that I had one.  My half-brother Tony and I are still in contact and have become very good friends.  It’s surprising how similarly we process things.  He has also been on a journey of learning to follow Jesus and has also seen God’s fingerprint on his life in some pretty profound ways.

   
    At age 47,  I got to meet my biological father and paternal half-brother.  Although I met with him on three occasions and he contacted me by phone once, the relationship with my biological father hasn’t continued at his request.  Interestingly enough, my paternal uncle and paternal nephew had previously been customers at my retail store, Soundsational.  I had met both of them years earlier, although at that time none of us were aware of the biological relationship. 

    My life has taken some odd twists and turns, but I’m so glad that I had the opportunity to live, grow up and go on to have my own family.  I love being a father to 5 children, and I look forward to being a Grandfather in the future.  I’m so glad that my birth mother didn’t have the abortion that evening and went through the difficult decisions both to give birth to me and then to give me up to a family better prepared to raise me.  Most importantly though I'm thankful that I serve a heavenly father that loves us profoundly and has made his presence known to me since I was a small child. 

Psalm 139:16-19   "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.  My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.  Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."

Thankful on Thanksgiving 2016

  

  As I sit here celebrating Thanksgiving  with my family, I think of the numerous things I have to be thankful for this year.  It wasn't that long ago, however, that I vividly remember a Thanksgiving when I struggled to find anything to be thankful for.  At that time in my life I had just found out that my previous marriage of 25 years was over and the rejection that came with that realization was overwhelming.  Additionally, my finances were a shamble and I was forced into moving in with my mom as I had nowhere else to go.  Our family business (Havilah's Boutique) was on the verge of bankruptcy, our beautiful home in Fishers was in the process of foreclosure and I seemed to be surrounded by nothing but loss.  My time was divided between attempting to negotiate with debt collectors, working three jobs, and mourning the loss of my family.   I felt like a complete failure in life and I had very little hope that things would get better.  Honestly, If there was ever a time in my life that I wanted to just give up on life—it was then. 
    That thanksgiving I made a conscious decision, however, to be thankful despite all the trauma around me.  I started listing off all the things that I could be thankful for.  At that time my list was pretty short:  I was thankful that I had all my teeth, I was thankful that I did a great Sylvester Stallone imitation, that I had a functional vehicle (my high mileage 1998 Dodge Grand caravan that burned oil and smoked heavily when it was running).    One thing on my list that stood out however was I was thankful that God was good and I knew that my heavenly father loved me.  Although I didn’t feel very loved at that time, and I didn't see much evidence of that fact, nevertheless I held on to that hope.  I really was thankful that God loved me and I decided to intentionally place my trust in him because I had no one else to turn to.  

    It’s four years later now and life is so much different.  I feel like God has restored everything I lost plus even more.  I now have a wonderful/loving wife (Heather) whom I adore and who makes life fun.  She's beautiful both inside and out and challenges me in my relationship with God, daily.  I'm so thankful for Heather and so glad for the great relationship she has with all my kids.  She is such a great partner on this journey.  I'm thankful that my children are all doing wonderfully and I’m so proud of them all.  I'm thankful that my oldest son, Izzy, just announced his engagement to his lovely fiancée (Kellie) whom I’m honored to have as my future daughter in law.  I'm thankful for my two step sons, Ryan and Lucas.  They are both awesome kids whom I now have the privilege of helping mentor and develop into the men that God has called them to be.  I'm thankful for the Ferguson clan (The family I married into.)  My father and mother in law are both former missionaries who made me immediately feel like part of their family.  Claude (my father in law) is a former Marine with a great sense of humor and in a relatively short time we’ve become great friends.  His wife, Jan, is one of the sweetest Christian women I've ever met and she has this gift for making everyone feel welcome.  I'm thankful for Heather's siblings.  The first time we all got together I just felt like we fit together so well and I’m so grateful for all of the cool brother and sister's in law and awesome nieces and nephews that I now have in my extended family.  Even financially it seems like I’ve experienced complete restoration.  Both of our businesses (Soundsational and my job as a real estate broker for FC Tucker) have been doing exceptionally well and I’m thankful for the abundant blessings I see all around me.  Most importantly however I’m thankful that I know in the deepest part of my heart that God is good,  he loves us profoundly, and he is always with us despite whatever life circumstances we might face.  Feeling exceedingly grateful this thanksgiving season.     

(Psalm 28:6-7)  “Praise be to the Lord, for he has heard my cry for mercy. The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song” 

(Psalm 30:1-12)  “I will exalt you, O Lord, for you lifted me out of the depths and did not let my enemies gloat over me. O Lord my God, I called to you for help and you healed me. O Lord, you brought me up from the grave; you spared me from going down into the pit. . . . You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever” 

O Tidings Of Comfort And Joy.

    I just found out this morning that my lovely cousin Lori, died last night.  She leaves behind two beautiful daughters whom she loved dearly.  I have been praying ever since I was notified --that God would make his presence known to both of her girls and the rest of our family during this difficult time.   It has really caused me to think about those among us currently going through loss and how that hardship is often amplified by the festivities of the Christmas season.  Instead of a time of joy, often Christmas becomes a time when that loss becomes even more apparent.    

    It wasn’t but a few short years ago that I was going into the Christmas holiday facing my own personal loss.  I had just been hit with the reality of a pending divorce (after 25 years of marriage).  This combined with broken family relationships, the loss of our home, bankruptcy of our business, and the loss of any retirement savings we had, led to a feeling of hopelessness that seemed overwhelming.  I remember on Christmas that year, after dropping presents off for my kids, I just sat and wept in my car in stunned disbelief at the chaos that was going on in my life.   Things were falling apart all around me and I remember feeling completely powerless, broken and weak.  It was in that place however, that I cried out to God and He met me in my brokenness.  He heard my prayers and made his presence known to me in so many tangible ways.  Looking back on that period of my life, I’m aware of how gently God spoke to me through some of the people he placed in my life.  I remember how my heavenly father encouraged me and let me know that I wasn’t alone, regardless of how I felt at the time. 
   
    Over the last 3 years I’ve seen God bless me with my beautiful new wife, Heather, and her two awesome sons.  I’ve changed careers and am now working with some wonderful people as a realtor/broker with the F.C. Tucker Company.  I’ve seen my relationship with my kids grow stronger than it even was.  I’ve seen restoration in every area of my life and am so thankful that I serve a God that loves me and cares about those of us who are hurting.  For those of you facing hardship this Christmas season, just remember that God loves you and wants to be there for you if you call out to him.  He understands pain and loss and wants to meet you in that broken place and comfort you with his love and presence.  If you turn your heart towards your loving heavenly father--even if you don’t feel that comfort right now—it’s coming.  I want to leave everyone with a few verses about God’s love and comfort. 

Psalm 34:18 “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” 

Matthew 11:28-30 “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

Psalm 27:13  "I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living." 

John 14:27 “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.”

John 16:33: "I have told you these things so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But be of good cheer. I have overcome the world."

Romans 8:37-39: "No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, neither angels nor principalities nor powers, neither things present nor things to come, neither height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

God is faithful.

I have been through almost overwhelming hardship and I've been through periods of tremendous blessing.  I can tell you that the good times were always more fun.  Regardless of what was going on however, God was always faithful to me despite any outside circumstances.  My thought for the day.

thought for the day.

It is a false gospel when people see suffering as evidence of the displeasure of God.  We live in a fallen world full of broken people, and hardship and suffering happens.  Often times it seems like life is falling apart all around us and it's easy to lose hope.  I have learned however that our heavenly father sees our pain, he loves us, and he is always able to bring good from the most painful situation if we simply trust in him.  My thought for tonight. 

The "lie" of hopelessness and despair.

 

I recently got a late night phone call from an old high school friend that wanted to talk.  One of his friends from childhood had recently committed suicide and he was trying to make sense of it all.  We both wondered what kind of deep issue was his friend dealing with that made him feel so hopeless that he decided suicide was the best way to end the pain?  We were on the phone for quite a while that evening, with me doing a lot of listening.  The thought struck me as we were talking, how many people going through hardship get to that point of complete hopelessness and despair?  I know there have been a few times in the recent past where I was close to feeling hopeless.  Just a few short years ago my life had been torn down to the studs and I felt completely overwhelmed as everything around me seemed to be spiraling out of control.  It was in that place however that I cried out to God.  And God met me in my sorrow and hardship and made His presence tangibly known in so many little ways.  Seeing his fingerprint in my life in even small ways gave me hope.  Even in the hardest times I learned that God was good and even though I was powerless in my situation—he wasn’t.  Looking back on that time I  am so grateful for all the tremendous blessings in my life currently.  I feel like God has completely restored all the things I had lost.  I am thankful that I finally learned the secret that no matter what hardship I am facing, God loves me and holds me safely in the palm of his hands.  If you are going through hardship and trauma in your life right now and are feeling overwhelmed—just know that God is not unaware of your situation.  Whether you are going through divorce, the death of a spouse or child, loss of a job, a terminal cancer diagnosis, or any other hardship--God loves you and he hasn't forgotten your pain.  The scriptures say that "nothing can ever separate us from God's love".  Your heavenly father wants you to cry out to him and let HIM be your comforter. He wants you to lean on his strong shoulders and know that he has everything under control if you will just turn to him and trust him.  Below are a couple of scriptures that gave me hope in the hard times.

Psalm 27:13 “I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD In the land of the living.”


Romans 8:35-39 "Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? (As the Scriptures say, “For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.”) No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.   And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.  No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord."
 

1 Peter 5:7 “Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.”

Grateful!

Sitting at vineyard (church) today with my beautiful wife and two stepsons while watching my oldest son lead worship. The thought occurred to me while I was worshipping--that our Heavenly Father is amazing!! How incredible is God that he can take our brokenness and pain and bring about such beauty and joy. I'm so grateful that I serve a God who's heart is "to comfort those who mourn and provide for those who grieve." Feeling very grateful.