An analogy I would use to illustrate the trauma of losing your spouse--would be to sustain a severe battlefield injury. Being a Soldier I have had the opportunity to speak to veterans that have been severely injured in combat. The trauma of divorce to me is like losing your right arm (to the shoulder) in combat. After losing a limb, I have been told, that often you can still feel your fingers tingling even though your arm is gone. That phenomenon is called "phantom limb pain" and it's medically documented. Also people that lose limbs in combat, for quite awhile, forget that the limb is even gone. It takes awhile before they stop subconsciously attempting to reach out and pick up something with the arm that is no longer there.
With divorce (or any loss of a spouse or a child) you may experience similar symptoms. You might wake up in the morning forgetting that your life has changed. Whereas you previously had someone to talk to when you got home from work--you now come home to overwhelming silence. Whereas you previously had someone to sit beside at church--you now find yourself sitting alone. You even find yourself attending Bible studies, movies or even going to restaurants by yourself. Something as simple as shopping for groceries can even be painful. While navigating the aisles near the floral display--that’s when it might hit you that you no longer have anyone to buy flowers for.
Regardless of what loss you are experiencing now, remember that although at times you might feel lonely--you are never alone because you have a heavenly father that loves you profoundly. Most importantly, God wants to meet you in that place of loneliness and longing. Below are a few verses that had been encouraging to me as I walked through the trauma of divorce.
Matthew 11:28-30 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
Psalm 68:5-7, “A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows,
is God in his holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families, he leads out the prisoners with singing; but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land.”
Romans 8:35-39 “Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: “For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.” No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
Great post Brian. Anyone that's ever walked through the pain of divorce can understand completely the loneliness associated with loss, yet accepting that loss and learning how to surrender our pain to Him is part of the healing process - an opportunity for growth and dependence on Him!! As you’ve pointed out, we can’t ignore or run from the obvious hurt and loss we’re feeling because there are too many good memories, familiar places, and habits we created with our former spouse to ignore. But God, in His faithfulness uses the pain of our past to grow and shape us into His image (Phil 1:6, Rom 8:28). Helping us accept our identity as a single person is probably one of the most difficult yet rewarding areas of growth we can receive. Not that I in any way desire to be single for the rest of my life, but being comfortable with where God has me at this point is an important step in discovering who I am in Him and ultimately who He is preparing for me. I guess what I’m saying is that I don’t want to run “from” pain to avoid being alone, but rather embrace a growth opportunity allowing God to introduce to me His perfect person in His perfect time. He knows the content of my heart and is replacing the fears of my heart with His desires. Psalm 37:4 – Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart! Thanks again Brian for your faithfulness in sharing from the overflow of what God’s doing in your heart, it’s a ministry to many (myself definitely included)!!!
ReplyDeleteYour honesty is refreshing, Brian. I get where you are. I'm there. It's like being gutted and left on the side of the road in a pool of blood. I read a quote by Robin Williams, it read "I use to think loneliness was being alone, but I don't mind being alone. True loneliness is being with someone that makes you feel alone". To me, that's a deeper type of loneliness. It's a slow silent death on every level. Being bound by covenant to a spouse who never kept covenant. Never experiencing that intimacy in the way that God intended. It's a destructive kind of loneliness that eats away at your soul. You learn to turn off those emotions to survive. However, even that only last so long for something eventually snaps inside and hope dies. Suddenly, all those reasons that kept you there..."best for my boys"; "God's going to use all this to minister to others"; or my biggest fear..."I have to make this work - it's God's will. If I don't, I lose my purpose in life." Kicked to the curb. Like the Toy Story movie as it shows the "broken" toy being thrown into the trash... "sssssooooorrrrryyyyyy Woody...you're broken....." When hope snapped in me, the only thing that rose to the surface surprisingly was... "I just want to be loved". I believe the Lord wants that too for He spoke to me "it's past time." Covenant is for companionship. Adam walked with God IN THE FLESH. He could hold hands and hug GOD - DAILY! What else could he possibly need? He even had purpose. He named all the animals. If he was bored all he had to do is take a wild ride on the back of a bronco, elephant, or wrestle an alligator (ok - maybe a little too much Animal Planet here:) But what did God say, after all of that, it is not good for man to be alone, and so he made Eve. Eve was designed for companionship. I was designed for companionship. I understand now, how some people drug, drink, or shack up to numb the pain. The pain doesn't skip over you because you are a Christian. Sometimes it helps me to imagine a future companion. My deepest loneliness has been within my marriage. I'm not naive that it will not plague me still when it’s over, but it won't hold me captive any longer. I don't like going to church by myself either. Sometimes, it's all I can do to get out the door before the tears flow as I'm driving back home. Sometimes I beg God to take me out, other times I contemplate it myself. I've begged God not to play me like a game with Satan.....thinking of Job's story, or even Joseph. I've reminded Him of the verses "Don't exasperate your children" and remind Him I'm His child. "Hope deferred makes the spirit sick". I hit that point, God, at least a decade ago. "You will not allow my righteous soul to famish". God, I'm way past that point. Please be faithful to your Word. It's raw. Pain is raw. Few people have the courage to share it. Most people don't want to hear it. It's isolating. This type of loneliness digs a hole so deep, it nearly buries you alive. It doesn't make sense. I don't have a positive spin to put on it. Yet, through it all, the Lord keeps speaking "just trust me". Nearly daily He says "I have a plan for you." I said - if this is it - I don't want it. My challenge has been to praise God through it. Sometimes I’m floored on my back lying in a pool of Puffs and tears, with oppression smothering me like a thick wet blanket trying to thank God, for even this is Father-filtered. When I press through with praise, I start to see small victories in spite of the unchanged circumstances that surround me.
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